Digest

Alex Cooper and Dr. Orna Guralnik delve into the complexities of relationships, exploring the stigma surrounding couples therapy and the importance of understanding your partner's perspective. They discuss the common misconception that couples therapy is only for couples in crisis, highlighting the benefits of seeking help early on to prevent destructive patterns. Dr. Guralnik emphasizes the need for both partners to feel heard and valued in therapy, ensuring a safe space for growth and change. They also explore the role of childhood dynamics in shaping adult relationships, emphasizing how unresolved trauma can manifest in unhealthy patterns. Dr. Guralnik explains how past experiences can lead to repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously seek out similar situations to try to master or resolve them. The conversation touches on the importance of recognizing and addressing these patterns to achieve healthier relationships. They also discuss the role of sex in relationships, acknowledging the wide spectrum of needs and desires. Dr. Guralnik emphasizes the importance of open communication and understanding, suggesting that couples work through other issues outside of the bedroom to avoid using sex as a means of negotiation or punishment. The episode concludes with a discussion on the importance of setting boundaries in relationships, recognizing when you are taking on too much of your partner's trauma, and the importance of seeking professional help when necessary.

Outlines

00:00:00

Introduction

This Chapter introduces the podcast episode with Alex Cooper welcoming Dr. Orna Guralnik back to Call Her Daddy. They discuss how long it's been since they last saw each other and how they've stayed connected through email. Alex expresses her excitement for the new season of Couples Therapy and how she'll be binge-watching it.

00:01:12

The Stigma of Couples Therapy

This Chapter delves into the stigma surrounding couples therapy. Alex and Dr. Guralnik discuss the reasons why people are hesitant to seek help for their relationships, including the fear of exposing vulnerabilities and the pressure to maintain a facade of perfection. They also explore the fear of being judged or shamed for sharing personal struggles.

00:04:32

When to Seek Couples Therapy

This Chapter explores the signs that a couple might benefit from couples therapy. Dr. Guralnik emphasizes that not all couples need therapy, but it can be helpful for couples who are experiencing destructive patterns that they can't seem to break on their own. She also discusses the importance of individual therapy for addressing personal issues that might be impacting the relationship.

00:06:40

Overcoming Resistance to Couples Therapy

This Chapter addresses the challenge of getting a reluctant partner to engage in couples therapy. Dr. Guralnik provides practical advice on how to approach the conversation and emphasizes the importance of creating a safe and supportive environment for both partners.

00:08:29

What to Expect in Couples Therapy

This Chapter aims to demystify couples therapy for those who are unfamiliar with it. Dr. Guralnik explains that therapy is not about judgment or blame, but rather a space for couples to explore their relationship, understand each other's perspectives, and work towards a healthier dynamic.

00:11:23

Managing Conflict in Relationships

This Chapter focuses on the importance of healthy communication and conflict resolution in relationships. Dr. Guralnik highlights the importance of being in the right emotional state for productive conversations and emphasizes the need for active listening and understanding rather than trying to convince your partner of your point of view.

00:30:15

Toxic Relationships and Repetition Compulsion

This Chapter explores the reasons why some people find themselves drawn to toxic relationships. Dr. Guralnik explains the concept of repetition compulsion, where unresolved trauma or past dynamics can lead individuals to unconsciously seek out similar situations. She also discusses how feelings of inadequacy or shame can contribute to seeking out relationships that reinforce negative self-perceptions.

Keywords

Q&A

• Why is there such a stigma surrounding couples therapy?

  Dr. Guralnik explains that there's a strong societal pressure to maintain a facade of perfection in relationships, especially when it comes to marriage. People are often hesitant to admit they're struggling, fearing judgment and shame. Additionally, sharing vulnerabilities can create a sense of awkwardness if the relationship improves, making people reluctant to discuss their struggles.

• What are some signs that a couple might benefit from couples therapy?

  Dr. Guralnik suggests that couples therapy can be helpful if they're experiencing destructive patterns that they can't seem to break on their own. This includes repetitive arguments, feeling stuck, or finding that their attempts to change are making things worse. She also emphasizes the importance of individual therapy for addressing personal issues that might be impacting the relationship.

• How can you overcome resistance to couples therapy from your partner?

  Dr. Guralnik advises approaching the conversation with empathy and understanding. She suggests framing it as a way to improve the relationship and offering a compromise, such as agreeing to go to therapy for a set period of time or bartering for something your partner wants in return. The key is to create a safe and supportive environment where both partners feel heard and valued.

• What can someone expect in couples therapy?

  Dr. Guralnik emphasizes that therapy is not about judgment or blame. It's a space for couples to explore their relationship, understand each other's perspectives, and work towards a healthier dynamic. The therapist acts as an ally to the relationship, helping both partners feel heard and supported.

• What are some common mistakes people make when arguing with their partner?

  Dr. Guralnik highlights two key mistakes: being too agitated or emotionally overwhelmed to have a productive conversation and focusing on convincing your partner of your point of view rather than actively listening and trying to understand their perspective. She emphasizes the importance of being in the right emotional state for healthy communication and conflict resolution.

• Why do some people find toxic relationships so exciting and addicting?

  Dr. Guralnik explains that toxic relationships can be a form of repetition compulsion, where unresolved trauma or past dynamics lead individuals to unconsciously seek out similar situations. She also suggests that feelings of inadequacy or shame can contribute to seeking out relationships that reinforce negative self-perceptions. This can be a way of trying to master or resolve past issues, but it can also be a self-destructive pattern.

• How big of a role does sex play in a healthy relationship?

  Dr. Guralnik acknowledges that the importance of sex varies greatly from person to person. For some, it's a crucial aspect of connection and intimacy, while for others, it's less central to their relationship. She emphasizes the importance of open communication and understanding, recognizing that couples may have different needs and desires.

• How can couples address differences in their sex drives?

  Dr. Guralnik suggests that couples try to address other issues outside of the bedroom to avoid using sex as a means of negotiation or punishment. She also recommends focusing on nonverbal communication and intimacy throughout the relationship, rather than relying solely on language to express needs and desires. She encourages couples to experiment with different ways of expressing intimacy and to prioritize connection and understanding.

• What are some signs that a relationship is moving too fast?

  Dr. Guralnik explains that relationships have a developmental arc and it takes time to truly get to know someone. Moving too fast can involve assuming you know more about your partner than you do, neglecting the discomfort of unfamiliarity and awkwardness, and projecting your own desires onto them. She emphasizes the importance of allowing the relationship to unfold naturally and taking the time to truly understand each other.

• How can you determine if you're taking on too much of your partner's trauma as your own?

  Dr. Guralnik suggests asking yourself if you're getting involved because you care for your partner's well-being or if you're trying to fulfill a need of your own. She emphasizes that while it's important to be supportive, it's also crucial to maintain healthy boundaries and recognize when you need to step back and allow your partner to take responsibility for their own healing. She also highlights the importance of recognizing codependency and seeking professional help if necessary.

Show Notes